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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
This story gripped me, even though I know nothing at all about climbing. I thought the explanations were woven well into the story, so as to make readers understand what it is all about. I felt the quality of the writing was very good, though I would like to make a few comments on some parts that could be improved upon, in my personal opinion.Some parts you seem to skip over - especially her relationship with Kai, they split up (?) and yet they keep talking to each other and in chapter three you mention that she loves him. I personally feel you need to elaborate on this, and work this out more fully into the story. Some things I found confusing. I wasn't sure whether the protagonist was a man or a woman. You start the story with someone bragging and exagerating, and at first I thought that it was this person who was telling the story - it wasn't, but that took a moment to sink in, and left me with the feeling that the protagonist is a man (also due to the person being a climber and most climbers being male - stereotyping I know, but I'd think that most of your readers would think the same) and not till the end of chapter one did I wonder if that was indeed so - it was not. You jump a bit within time and space, going backwards and forwards within her mind. This in itself is not a problem, but half the time, especially in chapter three, I was utterly confused as to what was going on, where she was and in what order things happened. I think this could be made clearer, especially as some of your tenses aren't used in the proper way, leaving one a bit in the lurch. I also find you have too many characters, new names keep popping up at random and I can't keep track of them, I don't know who is who at all. Peronally I feel you could have less of them, or at least, less mentioned in name but have clearer profiles of those you do use. Despite these things though, I feel this is a good piece of writing! |
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0 of 0 people found the following review helpful
I loved reading this, and wish I could read the rest too!I think this is a great story, and well written too. The only things I can find wrong with it are some grammar and punctuation, and a few confusing bits here and there. But that is ofcourse a very personal opinion, others may not agree with me, and most of them would be spotted when editing the story anyway, when finished writing the whole. An example of confusion (and here I wish I could look back to the story to find samples, but when I tried just now (in a new and separate tab) I lost the review I had started) is: The introduction of Adam. I was really wondering how he was for a moment, before he was properly introduced. An example of not so great grammar is in the following sentence: "The harbour was asleep in the afternoon sun, no queue for the passenger ferry and an empty foredeck, where she stood letting salty spray peck at her cheeks." I personally would have made that into at least two clearer sentences, and the part of the empty foredeck clarified, but only for non-knowledgable people like myself who don't have a clue what you're talking about. eg, "The harbour was asleep in the afternoon sun. There was no queue for the passenger ferry, leaving the foredeck empty. She stood still, letting the salty spray peck at her cheeks." Dialogue could be improved on in places and I am not sure about the title. I am certainly not sure if the title does justice to the story, and gives readers an incling of what is to come. "Escape to The Isles of Scilly" or whatever, might be a bit more enticing? I am only nit-picking here, I think it is a great story and hope you get it published when you've finished writing it! And I hope you continue uploading your chapters so I can finish reading it! Good luck. |
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